What Is Weaponized Incompetence and Why It Hurts Relationships
Have you ever found yourself repeatedly doing a task because your partner just “can’t do it right” or “messes it up” every time? That could be more than just bad luck—it might be weaponized incompetence.
What Is Weaponized Incompetence? Weaponized incompetence is when someone pretends to be bad at a task—or exaggerates their lack of skill—so they won’t be asked to do it again. It often shows up in household chores, emotional labor, or planning tasks in relationships. This pattern can be intentional or unconscious, but its impact is the same: it shifts the burden of responsibility onto one partner.
Why It’s Harmful In the short term, it might seem harmless. But over time, the partner doing more work can feel overwhelmed, resentful, and unappreciated. It creates an uneven dynamic where one person is over-functioning and the other under-functioning. It can damage trust and erode emotional intimacy.
Examples of Weaponized Incompetence
- “I tried watching the kids but they just cry for you.”
- “I’m just not good with money, you handle the bills.”
- “I can’t cook like you do—it’s better if you just do it.”
- “You told me to wash the dark clothes. You didn’t say anything about drying them.”
If you see yourself or your partner in any of these statements, it’s worth taking a closer look at the pattern.
Start the Conversation Awareness is the first step. Bring it up gently but clearly. Use “I” statements like, “I feel overwhelmed when I take on all the planning and decision-making. Can we revisit how we divide things up?”
Come back next week for another part of the series on this topic.